3 posts tagged “death and dying”

A couple of days ago we got the news that Ethan had died in an accident while hiking in China.  We still don't understand how this can be true.

Ethan is the son of my DH's cousin.  He is just a few months older than our youngest.  He is 24. 

His parents got a call from the US Embassy telling them the awful news.  This bright and shining star was no more.  How can that be true???

Ethan is a genius.  Really.  I think there are very few people that actually understood what he was working on for his PhD.  He comes by his genius honestly.  His grandfather is a true genius.  His father is not only a surgeon, but before that had a degree in Electrical engineering and worked in the antarctic.  His mom is no slouch either.  His sister is incredibly talented as well.  Ethan was going to make a difference in this world.  Not by singing or dancing, but by creating a better world for everyone, whether they knew his name or not.  And now. . . .

How do you comfort grieving family?  Ethan's parents are very dear to us.  I know they are very dear to all who've met them, but they are our family.  I just can't wrap my head around this.  I'm sooo angry at the unfairness of it all. 

This is not the only young person that we have lost to a 'freak' accident.  A  couple of years ago another young man, someone who was going to do great things in this world was killed while in the mountains.  Watching his devastated family was one of the hardest things I have ever had to witness.  Now, again, with these very dear family members. 

With all of the outpouring of grief for celebrity lately I just want to scream at the injustice of it.  How do you begin to understand the loss?  I think I need a group hug.

This has been one hellova year so far.  We lost Vi, which to be honest, was expected and because of her suffering, a blessing.  Then we lost Alan.  So tragic.  But we have learned that he died with a smile on his face.  He never knew what hit him.  Literally.  I wish I had met him.  Through his family and friends I learned that he was a remarkable young man that died at the tender age of 23.  Too soon.  I can't imagine how hard it will be for Dan and Jean to go on.  And Michael, Lauren and baby Ryan.  One of the most moving eulogies I  have ever heard was given by Dan for his son.  His mother Jean sang "How Great Thou Art".  She has an amazing, classically trained voice.  I thought my heart would break.

Now, I have been thinking about what will happen when my time comes.  I have already made my wishes known to family members, but I probably should have it in writing somewhere.  But what I really want to talk about is the songs.  No dirges or hymns.  None of that for me.  Three came to mind. . .  "Please Don't Bury Me" by John Prine (look up the lyrics, you'll see why), Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky" (I remember this came out when I was in the 7th grade)  and Iron Butterfly's "In A Godda Da Vida".  Maybe some Derek and the Dominoes, Stevie Ray Vaughn.  Nothing sad.  Hell, I don't even want any kind of marker.  One thing I know, we touch people and that a stone will not make them remember us more.  And when all of the people who remember us are gone, maybe they've told others about us.  If not, does it really matter in the whole scheme of things?  Not really.  Not really. 

I have been told that funerals are for the living.  I guess.  It seems weird that in this country we have gotten away from caring for our dead.  We leave it to strangers.  I think that is creepy.  I would rather have my love ones build a pyre for me than to let some stranger do it.  I know I am one of many who just can't quite wrap my head around exactly what happens when you die.  I mean, the whole conservation of matter and energy thing.  Do we really weigh 21 grams less when after we die?  Is that how much our energy weighs?  What the hell sparks us and what the hell snuffs it out? 

Maybe it is realizing that I'm closer now than ever to the big answer.  Sorry if this seems bizarre.  It's been weighing on my mind for some time.  Please, don't give me religious answers.  I am not a religious person.  I do consider myself spiritual however.  I have seen too many people hurt by their religions over the years.  Religions of all kinds too.  I am pretty sure there is something bigger than ourselves (no, not elephants) out there.  I get really angry about religion though.  I see people using the power it gives them to hurt and control others.  That's not cool.  No one should be in charge of how we connect to the Big Giant Head.  Or what ever it is. 

Well, rant over for now.  Hug who you love.  Keep them close. 

We just returned from our trip to Hawaii.  Now, before everyone gets all crazy with the oh you lucky, we went for a family reunion.  What made this trip more difficult was the fact that my husband's mother was dying.  She had been suffering from multiple myoloma for years and then, 3 days before we were to arrive, she suffered a nasty fall, which left her bed ridden.  She and her husband live with my sister-in-law and her husband in a "mother-in-law" suite which is part of the house.  We got there on Sunday, 3/23, and she was lucid about 50% of the time.  She greeted us all and knew who we were.  All of her children and grandchildren plus many of her nephews and nieces were able to visit her.  One of the cousins is a nurse, my husband and I are EMT's and with everyone else there, she got round the clock care.  She was never alone.  In fact, the hospice nurses that came to check on her were amazed at how we were all able to take care of her.  Turning her, administering medication, suctioning her airway etc.

Let me tell you folks, if you have to die, and we all do, this is the way to do it.  Surrounded by the people you love, being cared for by your family in your home to the very end.  Yes, sadly we lost Vi last Friday, a week after her fall, and very sadly on her daughter's birthday.  She was 87, married to the love of her life for 63 years, and we were all with her at the end.  That is how it should be.  It was very peaceful, and as I say, a very loving environment.  We should all be so lucky.

One of the bright points of the visit however was meeting a cousin that had been "missing".  She is the daughter of Vi's brother Fiorelo.  Rebecca is wonderful, and we can't wait to meet the rest of her beautiful family, Dave and the kids.  So, we are back, a little sadder than before, still trying to process the whole event.  We should all be so lucky.